Surviving
Under the Sheets in a Healthy Romantic Relationship
By Ed Rigsbee, CSP
(811 words)
If your romantic relationship is based solely
on sex, it can be guaranteed that it will not survive the long-term. If your
romantic relationship is sex-less, it also will not survive. There has to be a
middle ground!
How you perceive your partner has a lot to do
with the amount of sex there will be in a relationship. What I mean to say is
this-there is a very fine line between love and hate. Add to that, the fact
that there is a massive valley between either love or hate and apathy, things
can get quite confusing. With love there is sex, and with hate there is not;
and unfortunately, this could easily depend upon how the day's conversations
end. With apathy on the other hand, there generally is very little sex, if
any. There is generally nothing.
Which Emotion Should You Fear Most?
I believe that apathy is the emotion that you
should fear most. With apathy, your partner really doesn't give a rat's behind
about you, your feelings, or your needs. While you might get a sympathy boink
once in a while, it will be rare.
Apathy can be caused by a number of things but
I believe the most frequent cause is a partner just giving up and giving in.
Passive aggressive has a meaning here. They give in but exert their power by
withholding that which you need, want, and desire-intimacy. This is where
you'll generally find your sex-based relationship a few years down the road.
Love and Hate
Both love and hate are very strong emotions,
with the line between frequently blurred. The emotion of hate will more often
than not emanate from love gone wrong or neglected. Love neglected for an
extended period of time creates a negative perspective and will eventually
morph from hate into apathy. In order to keep the love emotion alive and
healthy, that emotion needs to be continually fed. Any living organism will
eventually die without nourishment-and so goes the living emotion of love.
If you live for too long exclusively on the
questionably valuable nourishment of fast food restaurants you will eventually
become obese or have health problems-that is an undeniable fact! So goes the
nourishment of the love emotion-take your relationship for granted too long
and it will surely experience health problems.
Nourishing the Love Emotion
In order to nourish the love emotion within
your partner you will need to fulfill their need for intimacy; and that does
not exclusively mean sex. Intimacy needs can manifest in a number of forms
beyond sex-openness, respect, and tolerance just to mention a few. The
challenge is to learn what the true needs of your partner are and to work to
fulfill their needs in the way they need them fulfilled. Men have a tendency
to fall down in the areas of openness and respect; while women frequently have
the challenge of tolerance.
In an honest attempt to fulfill the love
nourishment needs of your partner, the simplest mechanism to use is just to
ask. Now I know this can be difficult as various pathologies and old mental
tapes can get in the way of equally honest responses, however it is the place
to start. Conversely, if a partner is not getting what they need from their
relationship, they are equally accountable to verbally request that their
needs be fulfilled.
Asking for What You Want
How in the world do you expect to get what you
want from your partner or others for that matter, if you don't ask? There is
an art to asking for what you want. One way to do it is to be straight
forward-sometimes yielding less than desirable results. However if you can
directly ask in a sincere manner, you have a better chance for success.
Hinting is not asking-I repeat, HINTING IS NOT
ASKING. Period!
Asking in a way that your partner sees a
benefit to themselves could be considered by some as a bit Machiavellian,
however I consider it just good sense. Think about it-if you can help your
partner to get what they want; doesn't it stand to reason that they will be
more likely to help you to get what you want? Sure, there are a number of
issues that can become road blocks here (some discussed above) but the
simplest common denominator is that we all want to be loved and respected by
our partner. If you do not ask well, you will not get. If you do not get what
you need in your relationship, you will eventually fall into hate, and then at
some point into apathy.
The middle ground is a place where both
partners are regularly exhibiting love and respect for one another and working
hard to help their partner get what they need from the relationship, keeping
in mind that they too, need to receive.
Copyright (c) 2010 Ed Rigsbee
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Ed Rigsbee, CSP, for over two
decades, as the speaker on relationships has been helping business individuals and organizations of
all sizes to grow their market through smart alliance
relationships--while at the same time helping individuals to develop
what he calls Relationship Glue for their personal lives. He
is also the author of PartnerShift-How to Profit from the
Partnering Trend and The Art of Partnering. Rigsbee has
over 1,500 hard-copy published articles to his credit and is a
regular keynote presenter at corporate and trade association
conferences teaching North America how to access their Collaborative
Advantage through the steps he shares in his writing and
lectures. You can access all Ed's Web Sites and Blogs through www.rigsbee.com.
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