So
You Want More Sex?
By Ed Rigsbee, CSP
(766 words)
So you want more sex?
Sex is one of the “Big Three” in romantic relationship demise. I
refer the three as the “Relationship Failure Triad.” I’m talking
about sex, money, and kids. These three elements are at the near-core
of most relationship malfunctions. Before I get to the triad, the core
is love-of-self; either too much or too little.
At
the Core—Love of Self
Let’s take it to
the core then deal with the surface issues. Self-love is arguably at
the core of all relationship collapse or success. If you do not love
yourself enough you will accept a lousy partner from the beginning and
the relationship is sure to fail. If you love yourself too much, then
you are the lousy partner. To make any relationship work each partner
has to be confident in his or herself enough to both freely give and
expect to freely receive. Conversely, when two people have a healthy
amount of self-love they are naturally willing to do the work
necessary to develop, implement, and maintain healthy long-term
relationships. For divorcees, self-love is generally the area of most
needed attention.
Sex
In only the rarest of
cases can a romantic relationship be built without the cornerstone of
fulfilling sex—you can take that to the bank! I say fulfilling
because being docile, is light years away from active participative.
Sure, there are times when either partner might just go through the
motions because of some situation that is using up all their mental
capacity, and that cannot be a regular thing. Yes, there will be times
when you are not interested but acknowledge the importance of giving
your partner that which you know they need. No sex, lousy sex, and
resentful sex; will not sustain a relationship. However, participative
sex will. If you allow it to be, the simple act of giving your partner
what you know they need, can truly be a turn on.
Money
You’ve heard the
old adage; Money is the root of all evil. Perhaps it is—but I
believe it is the love and pursuit of money and power, which causes
the real problems. Just having money is not the problem. Not having
money, on the other hand, can be an irretrievable anchor causing
irreparable relationship harm. When money is freely available, either
partner can amuse and occupy themselves without thought. However when
there is financial struggle; when simply paying a mortgage payment or
buying food is the issue, then that becomes a pressure cooker that
knows no limits. When both partners have reasonable amounts of
self-love and personal confidence, while difficult, these times can be
tempered with discussion, planning, and a little bit of trust and
hope.
Kids
Like many other
things in life, kids become a distraction away from your relationship.
While distractions are natural and expected, for your relation to
remain successful, distractions must be managed. The insidious
relationship challenge that comes with raising children is the inner
desire to improve on oneself through offspring. We all have made
mistakes and fallen short of expectations. Yet, within a healthy
person’s psyche is the desire for their offspring to do better then
they did. When this desire becomes obsessive and all consuming and all
energy goes into the children, there is absolutely nothing left for
the spouse or partner. It is very unhealthy for a parent to get so
wrapped up in their child that they (a) no longer have their own life
to lead and (b) are unwilling or unable to freely give to their
partner. A healthy, self-loving, and confident person realizes that
raising children is a semi-temporary job. Kids need 18 years of
intense guidance and then a lifetime of parental nagging. It is
important to realize that one day (hopefully) the kids will be out of
the house and you can once again romp naked to your heart’s content.
And if you have done a good job in keeping your relationship healthy,
you’ll get to romp naked, non-solo.
Getting
the Sex You Want
In the final
analysis, if you want more sex—first love yourself just the right
amount and have the confidence to give freely to your partner; that
which you know they need. Do it with out being emotionally threatened.
Then offer clear and concise communication as to your needs. Create a
safe environment where your partner can do the same and enjoy heavenly
bliss—until of course you have to do the above again. And I assure
you, you will—it’s a journey rather than a destination. Please
enjoy the fruits of your harvest responsibly…
Copyright 2010 Ed
Rigsbee
# # #
Ed Rigsbee, CSP, for over two
decades, as the speaker on relationship ROI has been helping business individuals and organizations of
all sizes to grow their market through smart alliance
relationships--while at the same time helping individuals to develop
what he calls Relationship Glue for their personal lives. He
is also the author of PartnerShift-How to Profit from the
Partnering Trend and The Art of Partnering. Rigsbee has
over 1,500 hard-copy published articles to his credit and is a
regular keynote presenter at corporate and trade association
conferences teaching North America how to access their Collaborative
Advantage through the steps he shares in his writing and
lectures. You can access all Ed's Web Sites and Blogs through www.rigsbee.com.
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